Jokes

[Anonymous]

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's
time to learn how to swear. So, the eight year
old says to the six year old, "Okay, you say
`ass' and I'll say `hell'".

All excited about their plan, they troop
downstairs, where their mother asks them what
they'd like for breakfast. "Aw, hell," says the
eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." His mother
backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling
out of the room, and turns to the younger
brother. "What'll you have?"

"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you
can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a204/PureLilly/shake5.gif

[Serpent]

ROFL... thats good keep it coming!! :D

[Anonymous]

That one had me rolling, immediately i saw my pesty ass when i was a child. Here's another....

At an amusement park, people were standing in line
at the food court. The first guy in line gave his
order, then reached in his pocket for the money to
pay the cashier. The cashier noticed the money he
gave her was wet and she made a face.

"Oh, I was just on a water ride" the man said.

The cashier laughed and took the next order.

The next guy in line reached in his pocket and
gave her the money. Again it was soaking wet.

"I just got off the water ride", he told her.

She nodded and took the next order.

The guy reached in his pocket and gave her another
handful of soaking wet bills.

"Just get off the water ride?" the cashier asked.

"No." the man said puzzled, "But I was just on the
scariest roller coaster ever!"

http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a204/PureLilly/roflha.gif

^^ If only that were possible ey, that'd be the hell with men!

[Serpent]

ROFL funny also and i like the pic animation.

[Beowulf]

Penis Raise

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Response from Human Resources

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!

[Beowulf]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

[Serpent]

Thats funny but the first one kinda sucked. but the second one was funny.

[Anonymous]

rofl@pickle slicer..the wife smh!
http://i12.photobucket.com/albums/a204/PureLilly/dancearoundchick---1.gif

[Anonymous]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of
3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl
for a while and she's really hot. I want the
condoms because I think tonight's "the" night.
We're having dinner with her parents, and then
we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna
get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll
want me all the time, so you'd better give me
the 12 pack."

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with
his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he
might give the blessing, and they agree.

He begins the prayer, but continues praying for
several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me
that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told
me that your father is a pharmacist."

[Beowulf]

Good one.

[Beowulf]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[Faded]

Great story Beowolf, hey this gave me a thought i wonder..

If GDR has a girlfriend hmm.

[Anonymous]

LOL damn @first joke...most men keep an extra condom in their wallets. Lol he missed out!

[Serpent]

lol i do then about ohh 5 boxes in my room....but so my GF which to my surprise evacuated to the town where i am in(small world, eh?) so she wants to get a house with me at first i was like...uh no..but then she said that her sister would be with us...well her sister well lets just say its like a real version of pamela anderson(young of course!) with the tits she had b4 she had her fake ones removed(a sad day for all man when she had em removed :() anyway what made me laugh was the fact that her sister is a lesbian and only wanted me to come in cuz her lesbian lover cant move down....man i am the Happiest man alive(:D :D)

[Beowulf]

Lucky son of a bitch.

[Faded]

Bitch, Serpent you one lucky mofo

[Serpent]

ROFL yeah i know i have sex oh about 3 times a week sometimes with both sisters(even though the lesbian sister suck on my GF's tits and sometimes my cock.)

[Beowulf]

Fuck You, Fuck You, Fuck You!!! Go to hell you lucky ass mother fucker!! I can't belive this shit! How the fuck can one guy be so lucky?! I feel incredibly angry right now.

[Anonymous]

Leave it to a fucken scorpio lol!!! Can you say sex addict!?!?!?!?! :p

[GenDeathRaiser]

in my book, if you say anymore than "I have a girlfriend" you lose my respect and I believe you don't have a girlfriend, that's why I don't discuss stuff like this.

[ChiyuRyuu]

lol i do then about ohh 5 boxes in my room....but so my GF which to my surprise evacuated to the town where i am in(small world, eh?) so she wants to get a house with me at first i was like...uh no..but then she said that her sister would be with us...well her sister well lets just say its like a real version of pamela anderson(young of course!) with the tits she had b4 she had her fake ones removed(a sad day for all man when she had em removed :() anyway what made me laugh was the fact that her sister is a lesbian and only wanted me to come in cuz her lesbian lover cant move down....man i am the Happiest man alive(:D :D)

dude 1st of all she's like blounde... which kills the mood right off... then like she's a slut.. which further drowns her in a cess pool of HPV, aids, genital warts and rotting cunt scum,, then she's got like herpes... yuck man... well to each es own I guess. BTW wadda thinks gonna happen, whilst the GF's outta town she's gonna invite her GF over and put it on ya? pfft right on brother, keep dreaming. Best you'll get is some titty flashes, just to give her power over you. mmm GF wants you and her to move in with her lezzy sis...ok man sounds like a user to me but w/e. just be careful, chicks can be cunningty at times, next thing you know she'll be pregnent, and oh ... it's gotta be urs cuz ... ur the only one she slept with...sigh freakign judicial system

[GenDeathRaiser]

Megan's law hax.

[Serpent]

well actually my GF is 4 months pregnant with my daughter, i slept with her in her apartment where she lived alone cuz her sis was already down here so. she actually called me and told me the sex of the baby but as far as the STDs and shit..not to stereotype but there are some lesbians that are total man haters then there are lesbians who work at strip joints(mens strip joint) thats her sister...i know she doesnt have any STDs cuz she has to get tested like every 2 or 3 months so the strippers arent a health risk to the customers. but i'm glad that i will be a father soon...shit my own father is paying for all the stuff for the baby's room. and yes i did propose but thats enough for now.

[Anonymous]

Lol save all your points and change your title to "Daddy Dearest" =D

[Serpent]

lol
yeah or i could use someting like Pimp Daddy

[Anonymous]

There was once a single man who lived in the city.

Everyday he went to work and then came home. He
liked the single life, but sometimes he would get
lonely, and when that happened he would hire a
whore. As the years went by ,he eventually
started craving something a little different. One
day he saw an add in the newspaper: *Madam Zoe's -
We Cater To Every Taste*. So he went to Madam
Zoe's and informed her of his desire for something
different.

She said she had just the thing for him: a Rhode
Island Red Rooster that gave the best blow job in
town. She led him into a private room and left
him alone with the rooster.

The man spent three hours trying to cajole the
rooster into giving him a blow job, with no
success.

He left Madam Zoe's very dissatisfied. Several
months later he decided to give it a second
chance, and returned to Madam Zoe's. This time the
Madam said she KNEW she had just the thing for
him. She led him into a dark room where several
men were sitting around staring intently at a one
way mirror. On the other side of the mirror was a
woman in bed with a turkey.

"Wow! That's Nuts!" said the man.

The other men turned to him and one of them said
"Oh, that's nothing! You should have been here a
couple of months ago when the guy spent three
hours trying to get a blow job from a rooster!